The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
