Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
