I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
