What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Randomize
