It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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