chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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