We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
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It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
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