dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
