So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
