you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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