My girlfriend figured out who you are.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
