when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
My pussy is not your playground.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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