He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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