I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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