I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Sorry my hands just texted you
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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