My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
