My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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