I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
