I wish I could punch you in the face.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
