someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
