Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
