You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
