he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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