Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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