You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
