I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
