2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
