You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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