Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Randomize
