i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
