i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
