i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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