Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
