Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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