If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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