i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
