I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
