4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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