ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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