In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
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