I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
