I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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