So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You've changed since you got that strap on
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
