I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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