I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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