I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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