I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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