I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
