my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
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i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
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At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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