I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
