I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I love you. Go after that dick
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