If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
