two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
