you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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