I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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