I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize