Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
