You can't special order awesome
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
