Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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