Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
