recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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