K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
