hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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