hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Randomize
