I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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